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 | Hot Bets
Tips from our SportsBook expert
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 | 7 Secrets of the New Slots
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4. For a good time, touch Lucy's face.
Video slots give you something old-fashioned slots never did: on-the-house entertainment. Take the I Love Lucy game, one of dozens of officially licensed money-takers (Austin Powers and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous are others).
When you feel like taking a breather from the madness of Lucy's Chocolate Factory Bonus (where the more bon-bons you line up, the more you win), or Ricky Ricardo's Club Babalu (where the more Ricky icons you line up, the more you win), go to the main screen and touch Lucy's face. She'll go "Waaaah!" Accordingly, a touch to Ricky's face will yield a scolding "Luuuucy!" Oh, yeah, good times.
Play for real money, or play for pride and experience (aka, you're too chicken to risk any real dough).
5. Save your strength.
Old-school slot machines gave the deluded reason to hope that if the arm were pulled just so, a winning line would be in the offing. Well, the touch method didn't work then, and it definitely doesn't work now.
All slot machine games, video or otherwise, are ruled by a Random Number Generator. That's the internal system that spits out the results a machine will spit out regardless of whether you just bet $1, $10 or spit in your hand, hopped on one foot and then ever-so slightly touched the "spin" button.
6. When in doubt, "Bet Max."
Even after all your good efforts and preparation, are you still clueless? Once again, make the game work for you.
Just find the place where the money goes in (casino personnel are extremely helpful in this regard), drop in said money and hit the "Bet Max" button (for maximum bet, of course). Reels will spin. Easy, no? Maybe you'll win. Maybe you won't. But in the end you'll look like a pro. Unless you start crying or something.
7. Don't cry.
Tears make other gamblers nervous. They remind them of their own human frailties and/or their night's losses. Besides, your waterworks will only smudge the screen. Best to leave the "Waaahs!" to Lucy.
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Unlike pure-chance slots, video poker offers its players the opportunity to use their noggins. (Should you toss in that 10 and pray for another jack? Should you throw back in the whole hand? Should you cash out?) And unlike real-live poker, it offers players the ability to lose their minds in private--no crying on the felt table in front of the dealer required.
So, ready to hit the, well, video screens? Here are a few tips to make your playing experience a virtual royal flush:
Toss in that 10 (and that 9 and that 8...).
Video poker is all about the face cards (jack, queen, king, ace). Get at least a pair of those, and you're guaranteed to make your money back. Don't mess around with the number cards unless they're part of a straight or a flush, or you've got enough of them (say, three of a kind) to make it worth your while.
Your mantra: "Jacks or better. Jacks or better."
Wander around the casino, and you'll find all kinds of variations on video poker, some offering wild cards with the promise of turning that lowly pair of 2s into something special. But don't be tempted. Stick to the games where face cards rule. Wild-card games may look cool, but the payouts aren't. In some, you have to collect at least three jacks before the computer is suitably impressed to give you back your quarter. Who wants to work that hard?
Don't count the cards.
Each game is drawn from a random deck of 52 cards. That's each game, Rainman.
Above all, listen to your inner Kenny Rogers.
As in real-live poker, know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. To whit: If you're dealt a lousy hand, don't sweat it. Just keep the best card you've got (hopefully a face card), and ask the fates (and the virtual dealer) for four fresh new ones. Maybe you'll eke out a pair. Maybe you'll luck into something bigger. But if you keep your cool, you'll do "The Gambler" proud.
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